He kissed me and grabbed me and I insisted on keeping clothes on and then as we were kissing, he came. After months and months of not feeling touched, it felt nice to feel so wanted again. I found myself hitting a joint in a car after work with a friend and he kissed me. Just sad that I had gotten to that point. It only happened one time and didn't feel worth it to me. I gave it more time but found myself looking to fill my sexual drive in other ways.īefore i knew it, I was web-camming with a stranger just so I could feel seen. I worried that having an open discussion with him about it could make things feel even weirder but at that point, it had been months and months since we'd last had sex so i felt I didn't have tons to lose. When we've had discussions about it, he's implied that I'm superficial for needing that in my life and made me feel shamed for bringing it up at all. If I told him how broken I have been, he would REALLY never want to have sex with me again. How is it that I could deal with these things, but he didn't want to have sex with me because he just "doesn't feel like it?" My boyfriend knows that I've been a little damaged in the past but how could I ever tell him that I had to move past being raped by three different men to the point of being drugged, beaten, threatened, and/or passed around over 100 times?įor years I saw sex as a punishment and it feels incredibly unfair that I've worked through it and I want so badly to experience positive intimate sex in a caring loving relationship and I can't. I've had a rough sexual background that took years for me to move past, cope, and see sex as being a beautiful thing again.
I've developed such a resentment for the fact that I've been in two unhealthy relationships with men who constantly used my body and I found someone who i truly love, but he doesn't want to be physically intimate with me. My heart dropped and in my mind, I immediately sunk to the ground on my knees in defeat. One day, he handed me his phone and I saw porn that was bookmarked on his phone. He assured me time and again that it wasn't because of me.
Many awkward conversations about our lack of a physical relationship transpired though. "Did I need to work out more? Maybe he wasn't physically attracted to me?" I decided to focus on my own confidence and hoped the rest would follow. The happily ever after train I'd accidentally secretly hoped for had been derailed. Night after night, I shyly pushed myself to touch him and kiss him and hope that things could progress but he always cut me off. Feeling shy but like I had to do something about our sexual drought, I initiated things when we would be in bed and he would hold my hand and tell me he was tired. We spent every night together and carried on with routines, but still no sex. He cuddled me and spooned me at night and softly kissed me goodnight and goodbye in the mornings, reminding me that he loves me. When we became exclusive, the sex came to a screeching halt. I guess still had some hope for a happily ever after. As I committed to him and only him, i thought we would be so happy and everything would magically fall into a place. We used to have sex all of the time, sometimes multiple times a day. I started being able to see a future with him and fell in love.Įventually, though I was terrified of being vulnerable to hurt again after my past relationships had ended so badly, after 4 and a half months of this, I took the leap and committed to an exclusive relationship with him. We talked to each other every day and I looked forward to it. It felt passionate and fun and I actually really enjoyed who he was as a person. I was just getting out of a toxic relationship and wasn't ready for a relationship or public dating but we continued sleeping together for months.
We immediately connected as friends and a month later, after a night of drunken fun, we had sex. My boyfriend and i started dating a year and a half ago. It just feels embarrassing or too honest. I am at such a loss as to what to do and feel that I cant talk about this with anyone I know. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions.
Gay men making love in the spoon position in porn free#
Please feel free to respond in the comments below.